What I’m Thinking About
BREAK YOUR OWN RULES Where do our RULES come from? I'm talking those internal-dialogue rules that our brains insist we must follow OR ELSE. They're relentless, unforgiving and insistent.
I understand that many of our rules are internalized as protective mechanisms, whether we are conscious of how they are protecting us or not. The idea of breaking free from the rules or coming up with our own (different than what we have been adhering to) can be scary. A lot of these rules live in our nervous system and won't exit just by knowing we don't want to be held hostage by them anymore.
POWER AND CHOICE I'm not getting political here, because that is not what my platform is for. So, when I talk about power and choice, I am talking about our ability to make choices for ourselves that are different than what we normally make for ourselves. I'm talking about when we want to make a decision and feel stuck (and then overwhelmed, panicked, stressed) so we can't seem to make the choice we want to make.
I believe that people do what is easy for them to do (even when it is a hard/difficult thing to do). We are all able to move through challenges/difficult situations or day-to-day tasks differently. For instance, when my mom had her first stroke, and I was living and working in Los Angeles, I decided to move back to NC to be close to her. With Bunny on board, I knew I wanted to be with her to take care of what she needed. Leaving my career and my beloved city and friends in LA was difficult but the choice I made was an easy one for me. I didn't struggle as I wasn't trying to choose to “be a good daughter and go help my mom.” I followed what was natural for me given the circumstances.
REFRAME. Break the frame. How to frame [fill in blank]. These are phrases we use to talk about perspective. My recent experience with this involved the literal frames of my eye glasses in conjunction with my ability to speak to what I want. Not what I think I should have, take, be okay with, try to like. I have an old, deep belief that I am not allowed to have or even want what I really want. It is old. It is tied to old programming, to how my brain wired early on to make my circumstances "okay" enough to feel okay enough. And for the longest time, I believed that it was the spiritually "right" thing to do. My spiritual "frame" (HA) is tied to the idea that I must go along with the circumstances that present themselves. This is true to a certain degree. It is also, like most ideas/concepts/beliefs, more complicated than that.
SHAME AROUND NEEDING HELP I still experience this from time-to-time. Yep. 28 years sober. Been in a number of 12-step programs since I was 20 years old. I love them; they have saved my life and have given me a dependable and sacred foundation. They have given me a community of people where my dear connections, my friends, are spiritual/empowered/kind/aware/human. I’ve had therapists (some wonderful therapists) over the years and have explored many healing modalities. (As I’m writing this, I feel some embarrassment—people are going to think you are “crazy.”)
There is a part of me that believes that I can ONLY offer to help people through my gifts (Compassionate Listening/Intuition/Breathwork/Podcast/Books) when I 100 percent no longer feel shame or need help OR get “stuck” or triggered. When I can finally look life in the face and go, “You know what?” YOU DON’T SCARE ME!”
