BREAK YOUR OWN RULES (Continued)

Do any of these rules below resonate?

You can't go out of the house without your makeup done just so or clothes just right.

You have to go to college if everyone in your family went.

If everyone in your family is a doctor, then you have to be in the medical profession.

You have to buy a house. You have to find a way to buy a house.

You have to get a 9-5 job for it to count as a job.

Gardening doesn't count as being creative.

You have to go to the gym a certain number of days/week in order for it to count.

You have to eat dinner even if you're not hungry for dinner. It is dinner time.

You have to eat certain foods for breakfast. You can't eat dinner leftovers for breakfast.

I remember working with a naturopath in my early 20's, and he suggested I eat my leftover from dinner for breakfast (protein and greens). What, I thought? Even if I had had fish for dinner? He said that 80% of the world eats fish and rice for breakfast. Oh.

You have to have the same job for the rest of your life; pick it early and keep it. You can't change professions multiple times.

You have to do everything on your own. You're not a strong person if you don't do it by yourself.

You have to believe in God a certain way or there will be horrible consequences. 

You have to pray a certain way or meditate a certain way.

You have to get up at a certain time; go to bed at a certain time (or else you're whole day will be wrong).

You have to smile all the time or people will think you are a meany.

You have to look a certain way for someone to be interested in you.

You have to be more extroverted to make friends.

You have to go online to date, to meet people. That's the way it is now.

You have to be more introverted, because if you're loud and expressive people will not want to be around you. You have to reign it in.

You have to be in service to people all the time. What, you call yourself a good person?

If by simply reading the “rules” from above makes you feel tired or icky, I hear you. I’m with you. Way too many have-to’s for my liking. I am also curious if any of the above rules caused you to get the, “Well, yes. Perfectly logical, reasonable, makes sense as to why you would have to…” response?

What about the rule that as women, we are supposed to want to have kids? I mean, how many times have I been asked if I want to hold someone else's child, or been expected to hold someone's child (when there was a man right next to me who could also have been asked). Once on a plane on an international flight, a dad holding his kid walking around the plane asked me if I wanted to basically “babysit” his kid. Sort of as a joke but also as if it would bring me pleasure and to give him a break. Ummmm...nope.

When I was working at Rhythm & Hues, I had been looking to transition out of working there for well over a year (at least). I was wanting to move on from VFX, give myself a chance to explore other creative endeavors. In 2012, I met someone who invited me to travel to Germany and Europe with him for a month or two. I was like, No. I had only known this person for a couple of months. I couldn't possibly. But then in talking with a trusted friend about it, the question my friend posed to me was: “Why not?”

Something shifted in my brain, Y’all. What? Saying yes to going is a real option?

“You've been wanting to leave, to be able to do something else for a while now. Why not?”

As I opened up to the possibility of “Yes, why not?” the Universe was like, “Let’s do this! It’s on!” I had sabbatical time saved up and when I thought of going on my trip and returning, I knew I wouldn’t be able to go back into the work the way I had before. This was a gifted transition out of a job I had been at for 5 years.

It was my time to move on to a new adventure. And while my adventure with that person ended within a short four months and the trip to Germany/Europe was cut short due to his health issues, I was freed from my old job with my PTO paid out.

Not long after that, the company filed Chapter 11 bankruptcy and many of my coworkers were not as lucky as I had been. They had lost weeks of pay and had to sue the new company for their accrued PTO (years of accrued benefits).

My questions about these “rules” are:

Who's rule is it?

Was it even mine to begin with?

Is it something that helps me? Is helping me?

Did it help me in the past but no longer helps me?

I mean to apply the same response that I was asked in regards to my previous rule: that I couldn’t possibly go on that trip with a person I didn’t know that well and ask for my PTO to venture away from work, etc… the WHY NOT to the questions below:

I can’t take a job I may be really interested in if it doesn't pay very much. - Why not? 

I can’t take that creative writing class. I’m not a creative person so the rule is, why bother? - Why not?

I can’t spend the money to get my nails done. The rule is that it is a waste of money. -Do you have the money? Can you do it one time? So, why not?

Again, what are these rules? You know we are just making all of this life stuff up.

Okay. Yes, there are commitments we make such as to pay for usage of our phones or electricity or water. Those are agreed upon exchanges. Well, what about social commitments? Do you have a set rule that if you commit to participating in a social event as a guest that you can’t ever change your mind?

What are these rules for? Do the guidelines, structures you have in place for your life, the thoughts you have about what you’re supposed to be doing and how to do it—are they helping you? 

It has been about 6 years since I was in the VFX industry. I think, I'll probably never be able to get a job back in VFX after all this time. Who will hire me? It's been too long. I have applied for a couple of jobs back in the industry and it has been quiet. Thoughts began to creep in deciding for me that well...it has been 6 years. It is way too long. Oh no. That is it for you.

But then I thought: Who's rule is that? Who decided that? How do I know that is true?

I mean, I had left VFX back in 2012 and was out for nearly 4 years while I explored writing, comedy and acting. And I got a job back in it fairly easily. The transition from being out of that world to being right back in it was like hopping on the Autobon, so why is 6 years too long?

There are rules we agree on as a society to keep us safe. If breaking a rule will cause harm to me or someone else then that is not a rule I am willing to break, and I am not encouraging that for you, either. 

But there are a lot of other rules that we have that don’t cause harm but we treat them as if they are unbreakable. I was listening to an old 60 Minutes interview with Jennifer Lawrence by Bill Whitaker, and she spoke about her determination to become an actor at 14. The desire was so ignited within her that it is all she wanted to pursue. She wasn't interested in school, didn’t see herself as an academic and acting is what lit up her soul. Jennifer Lawrence never finished middle school.

I'm certainly not saying that every kid with a big dream and lack of interest in education should drop out of school. What I am saying is that (with her parents' consent) she broke a pretty big rule.

It is as if there are only a handful of path's for our lives, and we must wedge ourselves tightly to stay on the one path. It reminds me of not too long ago, women were only allowed to become nurses, teachers or secretary's, if they wanted to work. It is as if we do that to ourselves, or perhaps it has been passed down to us and we've integrated it as “how things are.”

It took me moving to Los Angeles to realize that not everyone finishes college and/or becomes an engineer but still manages to become successful (or not). I guess the “or not” is as important as the “becomes successful.” One of my rules that I have been trying to break/let go of is that if I am to live through my gifts, I better be successful. The deeply imbedded rule is that I have to find a way to make them (my gifts) make me successful. Otherwise, what use are they?

This rule or set of rules I have about my gifts has loads of “reasoning” behind it. Here’s the messaging: 

What use is it to receive insight after insight, self-awareness that I KNOW can help others, the ability to talk to and listen to anyone about anything they have been through, the desire to share my own experience with others, to relate to them, to want to share the breathwork meditation with others, to facilitate it and help guide a person through their process, helping them build trust and compassion within themselves IF it doesn’t build out in a way that I can prove to myself and the world that it has value? 

What good is my desire to play with humor, to laugh and to make people laugh, to lighten up the room, to try standup, to get on a stage and tell stories if I can’t make it a successful business? Why continue doing my podcast or writing these blog posts? What good is it to have written a novel, over decades, and to publish it if people don't read it…not enough people read it? 

Where do these rules we make for ourselves come from? Why can’t MY rule be that I get to enjoy my gifts and my desires because they come from within and are what makes being me enjoyable. Isn’t that enough? 

From Jennifer Lawrence's story, it wasn't because she was successful that it was okay for her to not have finished middle school. It was because she needed to find out what the call within her was and to find out what it would mean for her. 

So many of our rules are ones we agreed to without knowing. Unless there is a disruptive life circumstance or some event outside of our control, we tend to take the next step and the next step and the next step that we are told is the next step in life. Of course, with rules (particularly the embedded ones), our minds like them. Our minds like the consistency, the understanding of the expectations of us, the safety of following along and keeping with what is known promises us. It is comfortable. 

But at some point, we realize that there are a butt-load (a host) of agreements/commitments that somewhere along the line, we didn't knowingly agree to. We didn't consciously agree to them. They came from somewhere else, from someone else. In many cases, they came from our parents, our siblings, our peers. It is how they did it. It is how they felt safe (or didn't and moved through their own experiences) and all of that got integrated into the “how it/life works.” 

When questioning what these rules are for and where they come from, some we live under can be benign-esque. One from when I was young was that women and girls were expected to wear a slip and panty hose or tights with dresses and skirts. Nobody could dare see a panty line on the back of your butt through your clothes. Shoot. Even if the dang garment was loose and flowy. Slip and tights. Uncomfortable.

In my novel, Wild Woman, the main character Charlie reflects back on a time she was made to wear these green tights with her dress for church. They were itchy as hell and didn't fit right in the crotch so there was a gap. She got to fiddling in her pew, the service going on way too long that panic began rising up and she got to giggling uncontrollably. Oh, was she in trouble!

Charlie’s time in church was based on an experience I had going out to dinner with my step-mother's first husband's parents. We were expected to be on our best behavior around Grandma and Grandaddy Lucas. I had to wear a dress to the steakhouse restaurant we were going to with them, accompanied by green tights that were too small for my gangly, growing legs. I spent the whole evening trying to have the proper manners and etiquette  while I endured itchy, ill-fitting tights.

There was the rule that people ironed everything. A person was considered a slob (gasp) if they had on wrinkled shirts, pants, skirts, or dresses. I couldn't stand to wear a button-up shirt without a flattened seam around the buttons. I remember being in college when that “rule” began to fade—thank you grunge culture. But I can guarantee that I took my own iron and mini ironing board to my dorm room. Pretty sure I did. Imagine how freeing it is now and how much more time we have without having to iron everything we wear for all occasions! 

Rules tend to create a sense of control, the implementation of control, to feel as though we have some control over what we do and how we do what we do. What is familiar is safe, even if that familiar isn't really for our best interests or doesn't serve us.

Many times the rules come from religious influences, especially within communities. Remember, an institution's goal is ultimately to protect itself. And reasoning and justification for such rules, as they protect the institution or those in power, will supersede those of the individual. 

After listening to a number of true crime podcasts, one most recently on a terrible catfishing story, and then hearing some people share about their damning, religious upbringing, all I can think of is that both are examples of coercive control, abuse—pure and simple.

So, I don’t share lightly the idea of questioning the “rules” we live with, wonder about and even dare to break. For while they can come from a loved one’s best intentions to protect us growing up, they can also be the result of years and years of ignorance or malicious intent.

I understand that rules provide psychological protection for a lot of us, so the idea of breaking free from them or coming up with our own (different than what we have been operating under) can be scary. A lot of these rules live in our nervous system and aren’t going to exit by just knowing we don’t want to be held hostage by them anymore. 

In my private sessions, I combine Compassionate Listening & Breathwork to first bring a compassionate energy into the conversation, into the awareness. And then we use the active breathing technique to focus the mind away from its “rules" and all the thoughts that keep repeating, "You have to do this. You have to do this. You have to do this. You can't do this. You can't do that. This is how life works. You are stuck. You must adhere to and be vigilant..." As we get you into the meditation, the volume on those thoughts gets turned down, fades into the background and there is more room for your imagination, for cleansing energy to sweep your nervous system, and the feeling of OKAYNESS and a new lightness to emerge.

Here is where I am with this:

I would like to be in a less rigid relationship to myself and this exploration that is called Life.

I believe in starting small. I want to encourage you to start small, as well. One thing at a time. One question at a time. One somatic experience at a time (try breathwork with me)! 

It doesn't have to be all different right this minute. 

Needing to break all the rules at once could be “a rule.” Remember that even if we are uncomfortable with the way things are and have been, why can't we start small?

Why can't I? 

Would you like to listen to more? Come over to my podcast—>>>

NOT MEETING EXPECTATIONS, where I share more about Breaking Your Own Rules.

You. Are. Worth it.

xo Rachel Margaret Drews

Copyright by Rachel Drews, 2024. All rights reserved. Any excerpts reproduced from this article should include links to the original.