I have a deep belief that my lessons are spiritual in nature, that there will continue to be learning lessons, growth opportunities, healing processes. That is not a bad thing to believe. However, it is what I believe the lessons are for that (on occasion) trips me up. And I get tired of the idea that I need to be constantly in self-reflection, self-growth, aka spiritual growth mode. It is exhausting.

My problem, the shame state, happens when I reasonably—said with a tone—decide what my “lesson” is for, and that I alone must figure it out. When not triggered, the concept of spiritual lessons and growth opportunities are less like Spirit is testing me and tricking me. I don’t see it as though I am on some side of an invisible fence and Spirit and I can only be together when I finally “do right.” However, that is how it gets mixed up, in my thinking, WHEN I am triggered. Yes. I make it a personified relationship that mirrors my trust/influences/traumas from most of my living life when I am triggered.

We are not meant to stop growing, learning and expanding who we are and what we are capable of. This is not a grandiose concept and is not about becoming better, faster, stronger, different. The growth and learning isn’t about becoming less of who we are, feeling less of how we feel, doing less of what comes naturally to us. The growth is in accepting more and more of who we are, going deeper with those hidden feelings, those hidden thoughts and hidden wishes. The learning is in bringing compassion and love to the part of us that is still triggered by people who are strong-willed and act nice but are absolute and dominating, or are obnoxious or manipulating and who thrive without boundaries.

That is where the support comes in. We are not meant to do life alone. I am not. We are not. We are certainly not meant to heal alone. I am not meant to heal alone. It can look like recognizing that there are situations that we are triggered by, some people who are triggering, and that we may never be able to not be triggered by them. We may not be the person who needs to create the boundary in every situation and with every person. I am in the we here. 

Do I love that I may not be able to address certain situations as a strong woman who has been walking the healing road for two-thirds of my life? Ummm. No. I don’t. I want to be cured and find the cure and then offer you the cure. That is what I want.

I cannot offer you the cure. What I can offer is compassion and intuition and listening and a deep understanding of what self-judgement and a high expectation of oneself feels like, looks like. Because of the support I have had and continue to receive, I am able to tell you that while shame rears its ugly mug and is loud and obnoxious, you deserve to be supported in your healing journey—the whole, windy road of it.

You. Are. Worth. It.

Rachel Margaret Drews

Copyright by Rachel Drews, 2023. All rights reserved. Any excerpts reproduced from this article should include links to the original.