POWER AND CHOICE (Continued)
It doesn't matter if it was a good idea or not, it was an easy choice for me to make. There was no resistance within me to the idea, and along with Bunny's consent, I had the winds behind me in making the huge transition and what that entailed, the reality of tending to my mom's health and wellbeing. I wasn't doing it to be a “good daughter.” I was doing it because it was “easy” for me, to show up in that way, regardless of the multitude of challenges, emotional and psychological, that were a part of that experience and time.
For someone else, this would seem like: No way. I could never.
Does that make them any less of a “good daughter”? It absolutely does not.
Now, when I am online and see the messages out on social media about making changes, choices to better ourselves, the messaging goes like this:
Just do this one thing.
Just do these three things in this perfect order (all of them hard for you so adding to what is already not easy).
Now is the time to decide and set that boundary (the one you have never been able to set because when you think about doing it, you feel you may die).
Now is the time to tell that person what you really think and feel (even though the very idea of it spikes your blood pressure because your nervous system believes you may die).
Just DO the things that you can't seem to/haven't been able to but now just do them and voila. Problems, plural, solved.
Let go of any guilt or shame you have around not being able to “just do it” because they’re going to give you the secret formula to BOOP, just decide, be different and on your way to being a different person.
UGH.
There's a major influencer in the world whom I checked out, who claims to have a method that will change your life. She skyrocketed to fame in the realms of sales and podcasts and has possibly helped a lot of people. However, when I watched one of her videos discussing this 'method' she used to transform her life, which propelled her to become a best-selling author, I couldn't help but think, WHAT? Is it really as simple as counting backwards from 5, and then magically being able to get out of bed (even when that has been a struggle your entire life), and suddenly changing behaviors you've never been able to change before?
There are things that we can do, behavioral changes that we can make and then repeat to rewire our brains and help us create positive habits in our lives. That is science. I get it. And I don't want to knock another person who is out there trying to help people, but this really got my goat (as they say). I couldn't listen anymore.
While I did try her method, count backwards from 5 and “just decide!” to pop out of bed at 6 am, because I “just decided” to override my whole system with my willpower. Nah, not this gal.
If it works for you, then GREAT. My guess is that trying a new trick is what works for you already. And my guess is that getting out of bed in the morning when your alarm goes off the first time isn't tied to depression or anxiety or menopause or some illness or ADHD or...
What I know is this:
People tend to do what is 'easy' for them, even if that 'easy' involves challenges.
If a person is unable to do something they believe would be beneficial for them, despite it being in their better interest, then it isn't as simple as saying 'just make a choice then, why don't you?' and expecting everything to be okay.
You are not weak simply because you can't 'just choose differently.'
Here's my theory. We need to feel like we have POWER in order to choose what is good for us. If it is a no-brainer decision/choice, then we probably don’t have a power issue around the subject matter or situation.
If we feel powerless in a situation (triggered, stuck, trauma response happening, etc.), then our first task at hand is to get access to power for ourselves. You may have heard the suggestion to get centered first? Or you may have heard the suggestion to pause and pull your energy/focus away from the problem and back to you? And that can even look like: take a walk, take a bath/shower, eat something yummy or have a lovely drink you like, take a nap, watch a show. Let your focus make its way back to your center, your wholeness. And from that place or state, you may have new insight to what is possible for you, a way to a new decision that is possible for you.
***The power I am talking about is not ego power, dominating another person, nor taking control. It is an internalized power, an inner resource that feels able, open and self-directed.
If you are in a state due to circumstances or a situation where you feel powerless and you want to make a choice that would help you or aid you, be good for you, but you feel stuck/scared/triggered, then my hope is that you will:
Find those who can support you where you are at (right now).
That your support people will not push you to “just do it differently”.
That you will take a break, pause, and not force yourself to “make that choice” while you feel stuck/triggered.
That you will focus on areas of your life where you have power, areas that are easy for you, and get back to your center.
That when you feel like you have some sense of your own power, then from that place may you make a choice or decision that is right for you in your own time (nobody else's idea of that for you), and that it will give you what you need.
This is a larger discussion, I am sure. But I am passionate about this for myself and others.
You. Are. Worth it.
xo Rachel Margaret Drews
Copyright by Rachel Drews, 2024. All rights reserved. Any excerpts reproduced from this article should include links to the original.